The influence of the divorce process of parents on children

Your separation should not divide your family (By Linda Nell). 

While a legal divorce is an event, an emotional divorce is a process that occurs minimally over several years and maximally over the course of a lifetime.

Typically, divorce proceedings begin several years before the actual date of separation.  It starts when one of the partners begins to experience feelings like disillusionment, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and alienation.

As part of the family structure children experience similar feelings of insecurity and disillusionment.

In helping couples to successfully negotiate the ending of their marital relationship, it is vital for the divorce professionals to understand the underlying dynamics of the family as a system, especially the traumatic experience it has on the children.

Ahrons & Rodgers point out: “The family going through a divorce does not break up but rather is restructured and reorganized. While marriages may be discontinued, families especially those in which there are children…continue after marital disruption. They do so with the focus on the two ex-spouse parents now located in separate households” This arrangement is difficult for children to adapt to.

The presumption is that dysfunctional marital relationships cause dysfunctional behavior patterns in children. There is not a direct linear causality, but there is unmistakably a circular nature of causality in family interactions. The actions of the parents may influence the behavior of the children in the family to such an extent that the child is being reported by the school or other significant others as being naughty, disobedient, ill-disciplined and or acting out behavior.

Although divorce is an experience of growth, change, and positive individual development for some, it is a psychological and emotional death for others. For most families (parents and the children) it is a time of tremendous stress, disruption, chaos, uncertainty and craziness.    

With the appropriate help from understanding and knowledgeable professionals, the process of divorce can be navigated successfully.

Although a couple separate, both parents will have full responsibilities and rights towards the minor children (Children’s Act, Act no 38 of 2005, section 18). The parental responsibilities and rights that a person have in respect of a child include:

• To care for the child;
• To maintain contact with the child;
• To act as guardian of the child; and
• To contribute to the maintenance of the child.

Why Mediate?

Divorce/Couple/Family mediation can provide a more courteous alternative to separation or divorcing parties to negotiate a settlement. In mediation, solutions are sought which consider the needs of all family members – mediation, as far as possible, aims for a win-win outcome, where both parties feel they have equally compromised on issues.

The parties negotiate for themselves and aim for outcomes which meet their own standards of fairness and which are in the best interest of their children. Mediation furthermore provides an experience for future resolution of conflict.

Mediation, according to John Haynes (A guide to divorce mediation 1989), is:

• It is non-adversarial – the parties are partners in decision-making.
• It is mutual –both parties must agree, or it does not work.
• It empowers – each spouse controls the decisions regarding his or her life.
• It is goal-directed – the focus is on the future lives of the parties and their children
• It is confidential – unless there is a legal duty on Mediators to disclose (e.g. where it is said or appears to be child abuse)
• It is voluntary.

Accredited mediators are specifically trained to do mediation and reach an agreement between the parents of minor children when the parents wish to separate. A parenting plan is then drawn-up once the parents have reached an agreement after mediation, to share the parenting of their children specifically on:

Guardianship;

Care and primary residency;

Contact; and

Maintenance.

The best interest of the child or children is paramount. The voice of the child must be heard (Professionals who are qualified to determine what a child’s views and wishes are in relation to the issue that affects their lives, will do the interviews or assessment of the child).  The Children’s Act, no 38 of 2005 as amended, brought a lot of changes to deal with issues affecting children, as well as the rights and responsibilities of parents.

Child Welfare Tshwane has well trained accredited mediators who do mediation on any conflict resolution matter regarding families and children.

Our vision at Child Welfare Tshwane is Safe children, safe families, and safe communities in Tshwane.  We understand that a separation or divorce has severe impacts on the family and the functioning of the family unit, but we always keep the children’s best interest in mind.  It is important for a child to still feel that he/she belongs and will be protected, even though the relationship of the parents have disintegrated.

For more information, contact Linda Nell or Winnie Moshupje on 0124609236. 

Reporting child abuse is your responsibility

It is the responsibility of every member of society to report child abuse or suspected child abuse. So, what is regarded as child abuse?

Child Abuse has many forms, as described in the Children’s Act, Act 38 of 2005:

• Abandonment: a child deserted by the parent, guardian or caregiver; or where a child has had no contact with the parent, caregiver or guardian for at least three months for no apparent reason;
• Abuse refers to the ill-treatment or any form of harm including assaulting with any form of deliberate injury; sexually abusing a child; bullying by another child; labour practices exploiting the child or any behaviour that expose or subject a child to behaviour that may cause physical or emotional harm;
• Neglect refers to failure in the exercise of parental responsibilities to provide for the child’s basic physical, intellectual, emotional or social needs; and
• Sexual abuse refers to sexual molesting or  assaulting a child or allowing this to happen; encouraging, inducing or forcing a child to be used for the sexual gratification of another person; using a child in or deliberately exposing a child to sexual activities or pornography, or procuring or allowing a child to be procured for commercial sexual exploitation in any way participating or assisting in the commercial sexual exploitation of a child.

Abuse in the form of sexual abuse is often not visible, and unless the child tells someone this will go unnoticed.  This includes enticing a child to participate in sexual activities but also peeping, flashing, fondling or exposing the child to pornographic material and other acts of a sexual nature.

In an article by ML Hendriks in the Medical Journal of South Africa, it is stated that the mandatory reporting of abuse of children was placed under the international spotlight with the sentencing in the United Kingdom of the alcoholic mother of Hamzah Khan (aged 4) who died in 2009 from starvation, but whose body was only discovered in 2011.

In South Africa, the father of 2-year-old Theopollus Groepies was sentenced to 25 years in prison for throwing his son against a wall and killing him.  According to the article, these are not isolated incidences.  The author states that violence against children is a universal and all too prevalent phenomenon.

According to the South African Children’s Act no 38 of 2005 (as amended), a child is defined as a person under the age of 18. 

Who to report to:

Suspected cases of abuse can be reported to the Department of Social Development, the South African Police Services or an approved child protection organisation like Child Welfare Tshwane.  You can call our Risk Assessment Centre in Sunnyside on 012-3439392 or send an email to ra@childwelfare.co.za

What information is required:

You may remain anonymous when reporting suspected child neglect or abuse, but we do need the full details of the child. This includes name, address, parents name(s) and name of the alleged perpetrator.  There is a form (Form 22) available at child protection organisations that can be completed. The residential address of the child is required as it helps to determine which Organisation will be the one to investigate. The City has been divided into demarcated areas which are serviced by various child protection organisations including Child Welfare Tshwane, CMR, SAVF and Rata.

What happens after a case has been reported:

A social worker (and sometimes the SA Police) will interview the child as soon as possible.  The family and the alleged abuser will also be interviewed, and a decision will be taken on the child’s safety. Should it be deemed unsafe for the child to remain in the current place the child may be temporarily removed and placed in a place of safety, pending a thorough investigation. However, a Court must issue a Court Order for the child to be taken to alternative safe care.  This can be a child and youth care centre, foster care or place of safety.  The child’s age will often depend on the choice of care.

Child Welfare Tshwane works within the boundaries of the City, from Mamelodi and Eersterust, to Atteridgeville and Olievenhoutbosch. 

Child abduction or rape – how can I support them?

In light of the recent uproar in the media of little Amy-Leigh’s abduction as well as the current ongoing trial of the alleged rape incident occurring at a Dros restaurant in Silverton, we as a child protection organisation would like to make a definite stand against these acts and express our dismay regarding these two horrible incidents and all the other incidents of this nature. These kind of unfortunate incidents give a clear indication that children are a vulnerable group that easily gets victimised and needs extra protection from those aiming to damage the lives of our young ones.

One of the first feelings that parents and families experience after their children went through some trauma, is guilt. Yes, it is natural to feel that way, but guilt brings about other negative feelings towards yourself such as worthlessness and feeling as though you failed your child. Our feelings always impact on how we act – in other words, negative feelings cause negative actions. Therefore, feelings of guilt might cause you to act in a negative way, without you even realising it. This is where self-forgiveness is really vital so that your thoughts and feelings about yourself can change which will bring about positive reactions. Never underestimate the sensitivity of your child and how they are able to sense your feelings of incompetence. This will then make them feel insecure and that nobody can take control over their situation and pick up the pieces on their behalf. Therefore, is you as a parent need to speak to a professional in order to rebuild yourself, do it.

After trauma, children either react out heavily or suppress their true feelings. Children are different and will react differently to their trauma. It is therefore important to be present – physically and emotionally. Provide even more nurturance than before. Children are able to process their trauma a lot better when having a strong support system. If you decide to take your child to see a therapist, do not expect the therapist to fix your child on their own, but rather commit to play “co-therapist” and work together with the therapist so that your child has support throughout. Introverted children tend to bottle up their feelings after trauma and we have seen how some children appear emotionally weak due to a lack of support at home.

Even though children go through tough times following trauma, practicing discipline towards them should never be avoided as it provides them with structure as it something they are in great need of after trauma. Children also thrive on predictability and it is therefore important to try to, after a traumatic event, to communicate effectively to them and inform them of any plans considering them. Give your child a voice to articulate their needs to you and assure them of your commitment to try to adhere to it. For those children experiencing nightmares, allow your child to tell the traumatic event over and over to you so that the memory could form part of their consciousness, which can decrease nightmares.

Even though I mentioned that you need to forgive yourself and move on after a traumatic event happening to your child, we acknowledge that you will do your best to survive this ordeal. We further acknowledge that you as a parent are also a victim when your child gets targeted and that you have not done anything wrong. Despite this, we have found that when parents apologise to their child for what has happened to them, it brings about healing for both. This does not mean that you admit doing something wrong, but that you apologise to your child for what has happened to them.

Sometimes it will be needed to engage in family therapy as siblings and other family members might also experience a great deal of fear and uncertainty regarding their future safety. This is an ideal opportunity to work out a safety plan as a family where you decide on the best possible ways to protect one another and yourself. Children need to see that they are not alone.

Lastly, even though your child and family you might struggle to deal with the trauma form whatever incident involving your child, it is important to try really hard to get back to your daily routines as quickly as possible so that you do not give the trauma the upper hand and allow it to control your life. This will also help your child and family to find your rhythm again. Survivor thoughts and feelings will lead to survivor actions.

If you need assistance with trauma relating to your child, contact us at 012 460 9236 so that we could provide your child and family with debriefing support.

Stay safe!

Written by Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor: Assessments and Therapy Unit)

Bramley Child & Youth Care Centre bids farewell to Helena Willers

On 30 August 2019, Helena Willers, will drive through the gates of Bramley Child & Youth Care Centre for the last time. After six years and two months at Bramley, she will retire and move to Tergniet on the Garden Route.

She decided to study social work as she always had an interest in people and the way in which they function.  “I always wanted to understand why people act the way they do or remain passive…..” says Helena.  “According to my dad I always had questions about people’s behaviour”.  She said her parents recommended teaching as a career, which in their opinion would have caused less emotional stress and she did consider this for a while – but her passion for people won!

Looking back, she remembers how many home visits were done in 1978, almost immediately when a report came in.  She worked in Eersterust at that time. “I remember wanting to do group work with a group of Grade 9 girls and how I battled to find a camping site for a multi-racial group,” she told us.  “We had interesting group sessions with foster care parents, wrote our reports by hand before handing it to the typists and we had to submit reports to Court 14 days prior to the hearing”, said Helena.  Today everything is done electronically, and the social workers type their own reports.

According to Helena, one of her biggest challenges was to appoint qualified and experienced child and youth care workers.  “The complexity of our children is also a challenge and needs a lot of thought and planning. With fewer children going out over weekends and during the school holidays, reunification with the community is also problematic,” said Helena.  Finding employment opportunities for children with special needs and assisting children with peer pressure really tested her skills as social worker during her time with Bramley.

“I am still amazed about the open hands and hearts of Management and the community, “says Helena.  It was such a blessing to receive donations and support which enabled Bramley to provide for the children. And then I enjoyed getting feedback about children that have successfully been reintegrated with the community and become active members of society”, she said.

Helena is really looking forward to the new environment and relaxing near the ocean. She plans to do some gardening (in pots) and do some improvements to her home. She wants to travel and spend time with friends and family.  Starting from 2020 she will be looking for some voluntary work. “I definitely will listen to more music and read more”, says Helena.

The best advice she ever received was to always give your best and be your best. And the best advice she can give anyone is to use humour, honesty, commitment and sincerity to get ahead in life.

Her hope for Bramley CYCC is to create the space for each child to work through their trauma and then adapt their lives, utilise the opportunities created for them and to excel in their school.  This will equip them better to face life in the community. 

Her personal motto is a quote by Mahatma Gandhi: “You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no results”.

Helena will be missed at Bramley and we wish her a happy retirement.  Caren Malherbe has been appointed as the new Manager: Bramley CYCC.

Teen suicide is PREVENTABLE

By Yolandi Singleton: Therapy Unit

Being a teenager these days are tremendously challenging. There are many stressors they have to deal with and mostly feel that no one understands them. Hormonal changes as well as developing their identity are factors amongst many others that plays a role in teenagers experiencing confusion, moods and emotional distress.

Suicide is always a topic that should be dealt with in the most sensitive way possible. It is a mental health concern. Individuals who feel the need to commit suicide really believe that the world will be a much better place if they are not in it. They truly believe and have convinced themselves that the people nearest to them will be better off. They have completely lost hope and don’t see any way out. 

They are not selfish, but merely want to end their lives in order to feel relief from all the stressors they are facing and overwhelms them.

Teenagers who want to commit suicide can deal with many stressors such as being bullied, being a victim of sexual, physical and emotional abuse as well as abandonment from significant figures in their lives which most probably occurred from a very young age or even during pregnancy. Research have shown that trauma has a large negative impact on the functioning of the brain. Therefore, when a person deal with multiple trauma, it causes a chemical imbalance in the brain. This happens in the part of the brain where logic plays an important role. As a result, individuals that experience multiple trauma lose their logical thinking.

Here are some warning signs that a teenager wants to commit suicide:

• Talking about wanting to commit suicide or wanting to harm themselves
• Writing about wanting to commit suicide by means of poems, assignments or essays
• Not taking anti-depressants that was prescribed
• Being isolated – not have a need to engage with his/her peer group
• Change in personality and habits such as eating and sleeping habits
• Constantly and excessively verbalising that he/she is good enough
• Change in behaviour – the teenager is completely different to how he/she use to be
• Not having any hopes and dreams for the future
• Having severe anger outbursts, being very aggressive and have unpredictable mood swings

Many times teenagers threaten to commit suicide and it is then viewed as that the child is seeking attention. No suicidal thoughts should ever be ignored or seen as a mere threat. Here are some tips on how to prevent your teen from committing or attempting to commit suicide:

• Have an open relationship with your child where your child feels free to communicate with you. The best way to improve on the relationship is to be on par with your child’s needs and to listen attentively to what they say
• Identify your child’s emotions whilst listening and do not dismiss how they feel about anything. Don’t make them feel that they are overacting, rather acknowledge the feeling and provide support.
• Share your feelings as well so that your child learn to meet you halfway
• Encourage the child to mingle with his/her peer group
• Do not expose your child to violence in the home for example partner-violence
• Act immediately when your child disclose sexual, physical abuse or being bullied
• Encourage your child to exercise in order to prevent stress
• If your child verbalised suicide thoughts or has made attempts, hide any harmful weapons and objects such as firearms, knives, ropes, medication, gas and alcohol.

If you as a parent or caregiver followed the abovementioned steps and still see troublesome behaviour regarding suicide with your child, contact a professional such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist for further assistance. Do not feel alone. Seek help and guidance immediately.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact Child Welfare Tshwane on 012-3439392.

Warning signs and red flags for possible sexual abuse

Written by: Yolandi Singleton, Supervisor: Assessment & Therapy Unit

Recent court cases regarding alleged sexual abuse and neglect of children brings this matter to the fore again. Sexual abuse is probably the type of abuse that upsets the society the most. As adults we are extremely aware that it causes physical, psychological, social and emotional damage to a child when being sexually abused - not to mention the other challenges the same child might be facing at the same time.

Children mostly display problematic behaviour to show the world what they are experiencing, without verbally expressing it. When it comes to sexual abuse, children will often subtly make disclosures in order to test the reaction of the receiver. All too often children do not want to disclose abuse as they are afraid they will not be believed or that the receiver will be angry or think that the child was in some way responsible for the abuse.

Many times we find that parents who battle their own unresolved issues due to childhood sexual abuse often project their hurt and pain onto their children as a way to cope with their own trauma or to gain control over their personal experience. Due to their own trauma they tend to place their child in the victim seat when any possible threatening situation arises, resulting in the sexual abuse of the child.

The signs and symptoms of children who have been sexually, emotionally or physically abused are more or less the same. It is therefore challenging to determine what type of abuse the child was exposed to by merely looking at behaviour. The following warning signs can however be reasons for concern when considering the possibility of sexual abuse:

• Excessive masturbation, still continuing even after boundaries were set to the child;
• When a child wants to sexually engage with another child by attempting to enforce penetration of the genitals or any form of object;
• Encopresis (soiling in pants) or enuresis (bedwetting);
• When a child makes a disclosure and thereafter recant (withdraw their statement);
• Expressing strange and overly anxious comments about a specific person;
• Infection in the genitals (consider that some genital infections might be due to medical reasons);
• Age inappropriate sexual behaviour (the child displays sexual behaviour when not supposing to have such knowledge);
• If a child displays inappropriate sexual behaviour, explore it in a non-leading way such as: “I am wondering where you learned to do… or tell me more…”;
• When the sexual behaviour put the child or someone else in a position to get hurt:
• When the child’s main focus during play is to engage on a sexual level; or
• Sudden change in behaviour such as sleeping and eating patterns (consider that these symptoms are also present when children have been physically or emotionally abused).

What to do when a child made a sexual abuse disclosure:

• Children do not verbally communicate like adults and find it difficult to express the experience. It is important to stay calm and find help. Do not overreact. It causes more harm.
• Do not interrogate the child.
• Do not say anything negative about the alleged abuser (this will scare the child and cause possible withdraw. Remember, perpetrators are threatening and manipulative).
• Do not make empty promises, such as “you will never see that person again”.
• If you are not trained to explore abuse by means of forensic interviewing, limit your questions regarding the abuse and the alleged perpetrator. Avoid questions that leads the child to a specific answer you want. Resist the temptation to gather all the information. Leave it to the professionals to explore properly.
• Let the child know that you believe him/her and that you are proud of them for telling you something you know must hurt a lot. Assure the child that you do not blame them and are not angry and that it is not their fault.

Remember that for a child to disclose sexual abuse is a very brave step, but a difficult step at the same time. Children must be free to experience life in a non-threatening way. At times they can engage in innocent sexual play without having the intention to receive sexual gratification, but merely to explore body parts, which is an interesting topic for youngsters at times. Treat them gently and assure them of your support and understanding.

If you suspect sexual or other abuse, please contact us on 012-4609236.

Child Welfare Tshwane – serving the community of Tshwane with pride since 1918.

Women’s month 2019 : #WhatWomenWant

Wellness 2019 - The realness of the ‘invisible load’ – and how to take control.

By Anja van Beek, Agile Talent Strategist, Leadership Expert, and Coach

The ‘invisible load’ is real. Think about it. Think about all the roles you have to switch to daily.  Perhaps this scenario will resonate: “The alarm goes off at 04:30 am and you pack all the lunchboxes. From there you finish off a presentation that you worked on last night. Whilst delivering that presentation you remind yourself you need to quickly stop at Woolies as you need to get something for your youngest teacher’s birthday tomorrow. On your way home to fetch the kids from aftercare, you also phone your husband to remind him that he needs to arrange with the gardener for this coming weekend. Oh, and you need to send your close friend a message to arrange a coffee for this weekend as she has been a bit off lately.”

Could this be you?

The theme for Women’s month 2019 is #WhatWomenWant and all women are encouraged to state, without any fear, what they really want.

Something beautiful happens in women when they stand up for what they believe in and see their voice carry power.

I have noticed that many women, at one point or another, struggle to find the time to cope with the demands of modern-day life (invisible load), especially as we are surrounded by technology. We are all ‘expected’ to strike a reasonable balance between the needs of our personal lives and professional careers. But it is a very tough task.

We will often hear “there just is not enough time in one day” (sounds familiar?) and sometimes they even feel run-down, frustrated or anxious. As a working and ambitious mother, I understand the importance of finding a balance between all the roles and responsibilities.

For me, it is summarized in the quote “Balance is not better TIME management, but better BOUNDARY management”.

This all boils down to BOUNDARIES.

If you are a go-getter and crave to feel less overwhelmed, consider one of these 5 suggestions:

1.       Make time to reflect

Life goes "up and down"; like a heart rate's rhythm going up and down on a chart. Daily reflection can be a way of creating mind space as it allows you the opportunity to gain perspective on the situations, we find challenging. Many successful people make it a daily habit of taking time to reflect.

By reflecting, we can consider what didn’t work, acknowledge what went wrong and choose a different way to prevent it from happening again. It is also helpful to recognize your emotions in the “up and down” times. Ask yourself "What does the emotion mean and how can I use it to move closer to my goal?".

An easy way to start reflecting is to do a one-sentence journal every day; also list and incorporate something that you are grateful for. If you need some inspiration, Ulysses.org

provides a few good sentence starters: http://bit.ly/2GbBtD3

2.       If you take on new things, consider what you’re going to park for a season?

All we have is time. The way you spend your time determines the quality of your life. I’m a strong believer in having a growth mindset and being a life-long learner; we all should find time to pursue goals and interests outside our family and work life. Having said that, I’m mindful that we sometimes take on too much. If you take on a new hobby, venture or enrol for a course, consider choosing something that you are currently doing that you can “park” for a season.

3.       Learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty

‘No’ is also an answer. The truth is: if you say no, you are in fact just taking control of your life and prioritizing what is more important to you at that current time. Warren Buffet says, “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything.” Read that again.

We can’t be all “yes-people” – imagine what the world would look like? When saying no, don’t beat around the bush or offer a weak excuse; just say it. In a study done by Prof Hagtveld he suggests one uses the words “I don’t” rather than “I can’t”. The latter might sound like an excuse whilst “I don’t” implies you have established certain boundaries for yourself.

4.       Choose a support system you can trust

Most working women feel trapped. They feel they need to take control of every single aspect in their lives – personal and professional… and that is exhausting! We need to remember that we don’t have to do everything ourselves.

As we successfully delegate certain tasks at work; similarly, we need to delegate duties (invisible load) in our personal lives as well.

How do you get out of this overwhelmed feeling?

·       ‘Perfect’ can be a blind spot. We so often want to control everything and letting go or asking for help might be the first step in finding balance.

·       Get a support system in place that you can rely on. It could be arranging a lift-club at school, assigning a tutor or an au pair helping the kids with homework or choosing to do your grocery shopping online.

·       Discuss sharing chores with your partner. Many modern partners are more open to taking on non-traditional tasks e.g. cooking dinner, doing the washing or putting the kids to bed.

·       The best advice that I have received as a working mother was: “Be present in the moment”. This simply means choosing to focus on what you’re doing and not allowing your mind to wander to other urgent matters. I often find that when I’m busy helping the kids with homework my mind is already busy with the presentation for the next morning. I then need to refocus and choose to concentrate on the important and not the urgent.

You don’t have to be superwomen; decide what is important to you and stick with that.

5.       Be intentional about “me time”

Many of my clients say they feel overwhelmed by what we need to do and achieve in a day. The reality is that women need to fill their own cup. When last did you make yourself a priority?

Be intentional about scheduling “me time” and decide what will really help you to recharge your batteries and relax. For some it will be choosing some sort of exercise, for others a little reading every day or unwinding with a glass of wine, will do wonders.

It all starts with you!

My wish for you is that Women Month 2019 marks the start of a journey owning your voice. May you be able to speak up and state, without fear, what you really want.

To track any newly made commitments, download the FREE Mandala Habit Tracker, which will help you in a creative way.

#WomenMonth2019 #WhatWomenWant #InspireWomen

Anja is a Talent Strategist and Leadership Coach. She was one of the first to be authorised as an Agile People professional and facilitator in 2018. The ex-Sage HR Director now consults with leaders and HR teams on all people-related aspects with a specific focus on adopting an agile mindset integrating agile principles and practices. She is a leadership coach and an expert in supporting teams to remain relevant and thrive in the future of work. She also works for various companies as a facilitator focusing on leadership development, mentoring and change management.