Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Written by: Yolandi Singleton

October 2019

It is always unpleasant to think about the possibility that your child might get bullied. It is an unfortunate reality that many kids are confronted with, especially having to face embarrassment when the bullying gets broadcasted on social media these days.

Children who get bullied often suffer severe emotional trauma especially when they feel lonely and perceiving that they can not tell anyone about it – therefore facing the issue on their own. A positive relationship with your child, including honest and open communication with them is therefore of cardinal importance so that they will be assured of your commitment and dedication towards them. I can not overemphasize the significance of your consistency in this regard.  Believe it or not, when your child really feels cared for and nurtured and perceives their parent to be entirely available to them at any time, they are much less likely to get bullied.

In the same breath, we can never predict children’s behavior. Your child might get bullied for various reasons, but it is mostly due to the person who bullies being jealous of the child who they bully or recognizing low self-esteem and therefore an easy target to control. In other words, children with good self-esteem are less likely to get bullied. Some children who bully other children are often bullied themselves or witness violent behavior in their homes or in the communities they are from and therefore normalize such behavior, especially if they are not guided by their families about socially appropriate behavior or effective conflict resolution.

Before I start listing some signs to look out for that indicates that a child might get bullied, it is important to bear in mind that some children never show any signs. Therefore, once again, it is important to ensure and commit to maintaining an open relationship with your child. If it means that you need to apologize to your child for often being unavailable to them in the past, do it. Do whatever you can to restore the communication so that your child will open up to you when they need you, such as when getting bullied.

The following signs are common indicators that a child possibly gets bullied or at risk to get bullied (remember that some of these signs could also indicate something else might be wrong):

• Having injuries, but refuse to talk about them or even lie about it
• Having dirty and torn clothes and also refuse to discuss it
• Having regular excuses not wanting to go to school – even fake illnesses
• Psychosomatic symptoms such as nausea, headaches or stomach aches
• Complain about not having friends and sitting alone during break time
• Express feeling afraid to walk alone around on the school grounds
• Showing unexplained aggressive behavior towards family members or other children smaller than them
• Sudden change in mood and behavior – showing more emotional vulnerability
• Isolating themselves on a regular basis
• Withdrawing from activities they used to like
• Often feeling tired – which could mean that the child struggles to sleep or get nightmares
• Express suicide thoughts, especially if some of the abovementioned signs are also present (remember that bullying alone will not cause children wanting to commit suicide, but rather in conjunction with other social or emotional challenges. Children who are from difficult home circumstances, including parental fights, domestic violence, dealing with a significant loss, lack of parental support, feeling lonely or being abused or neglected and then also getting bullied are much more likely to develop feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Allow me to encourage you that when your child gets bullied, there are people willing to assist and support you and your child. Therefore, monitor your child and rather report any concerns to a professional until you feel you received the applicable help.

In my next article, I will cover some steps you can take when being confronted with a child getting bullied…

Be aware… until next time. 

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Bullying – Part 3 - What do I do when my child gets bullied?

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Author: Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor: Assessments and Therapy Unit)

It is safe to say that most parents are sick and tired of being confronted with the reality of bullying at schools and in communities. The thing is, many parents get bullied at work as well and it would then make it hard to really think rationally about it when their own children are involved – whether their children are the one who bullies or gets bullied.

Many conversations, discussions, and meetings have been held globally to discuss bullying as a social phenomenon and it barely looks like much has changed if we look at what gets broadcast on social media on such a regular basis, including videos where children get badly assaulted or even killed by fellow learners. In America, it has somehow gone so far that learners get shot at schools, leaving the whole country to scratch their heads, trying to strategize what they will do and how to prevent this from happening.  In our country, it is not that different. There is however not a quick fix for this issue.

What always strikes my attention when we conduct specialised socio-emotional assessments on children from various age groups and come across information where the child discloses being bullied or being the one who bullies other children, is that most of the time both parties have quite a sad background, including some past trauma like loss, domestic violence, regular verbal arguments between parents that frightens the child that they will end of getting divorced and then when parents actually get divorced, amongst other things as well. 

In my articles to come, the reasons for children practicing bullying behaviour, signs to look out for that could indicate that your child might get bullied, what you can do if you find out your child gets bullied and how to try to prevent this, will be discussed.

In a nutshell, bullying can be described as a repetitive and deliberate act to harm another with the unconscious attempt to gain control and dominate.

Types of bullying:

Direct:

Physical – aggressive act towards another such as punching, kicking, slapping, pinching, throwing an object towards another etc.

Emotional – to humiliate another, exclusion, intimidation and threatening

Verbal – swearing and using degrading or discriminating words towards another

Cyber – making use of social media to verbally and/ or emotionally attack or humiliate someone – the attempt here is to degrade someone in a large crowd or to scare and degrade someone specific through direct individual text messages or to threaten someone to expose inappropriate or sexually explicit photos of them

Indirect:

To incite people against someone specific with the intention to cause the other person to feel isolated or to spread gossip with the intention to turn others against someone.

It is important to never underestimate the impact of bullying on a child and to be attentive to the possible signs that could indicate a red flag that a child gets bullied. I will therefore cover all the signs of bullying in my next article.

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Bullying – Part 3 - What do I do when my child gets bullied?

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

Leaving the circle of care – what now?

Children in the community, who are at risk in terms of neglect, abuse, and orphaned as a result of death of the primary caregiver to name only a few matters, are placed in places of alternative safe care.  These places include foster care families and child and youth care centres (CYCC).  At Child Welfare Tshwane we have one CYCC namely Bramley CYCC, in Groenkloof, Pretoria.  We house 49 children in this CYCC but have a few hundred children under the care of Child Welfare Tshwane who were placed in foster care families as well.

During the time the children are in the care of Child Welfare Tshwane we take care of their needs in terms of schooling, health and recreational needs.  We ensure that they have clothes that fit, get balanced meals and remain in good physical and emotional health.  We provide accommodation and assistance to solve most of the questions and challenges they face.

And then, once a child finishes with school, they are no longer regarded as in need of care and have to leave the care facility. The question then often arises:  What now? Child Welfare Tshwane embarked on a programme called WINGS in 2016, aimed at preparing these youths for the day they have to take responsibility for themselves.

With the kind financial support of the Beeld Kinderfonds we are able to see that they understand basic budgeting, have a bank account, have identity documents and at least a learner’s licence.  We help them to attend leadership camps and do career path development assessments with them.  We teach them about rental agreements for accommodation (and what to be aware of), how to cook basic meals and even to put in seams and sew on buttons! 

We start preparing them at the age of 12 already, so that by that they time leave our care they are hopefully in a good position to cope with life outside the care facility. We see that the reality is often a shock:  no one to make the doctor’s appointment or to wash my clothes!  And through WINGS we try to help them make the transition with ease.

Our programme is mostly run by volunteers who take the boys and girls in group sessions and work through aspects of interest and concern to the children.  There is a set curriculum, but without making it too formal we work with the children in weekly sessions.  We also get big names like Hector the motivator, Elmarie Pretorius, Silindile Makhatini, Anja van Beek and others involved with the children during this process.

Every year Child Welfare Tshwane joins the Beeld campaign to sell tickets for the competition run by the Kinderfonds.  This is also our way to contribute to a fund we find so much value in and with the help of every one buying a ticket we can help another child on the road to independent living. It is amazing how your R50 contribution can have a permanent impact on the life of a young adult.

To learn more about WINGS or to support the campaign by buying a Beeld tickets, please contact Marketing at hanlie@childwelfare.co.za or franca@childwelfare.co.za.  The competition closes on 30 October and funds raised will be used in 2020.

The influence of the divorce process of parents on children

Your separation should not divide your family (By Linda Nell). 

While a legal divorce is an event, an emotional divorce is a process that occurs minimally over several years and maximally over the course of a lifetime.

Typically, divorce proceedings begin several years before the actual date of separation.  It starts when one of the partners begins to experience feelings like disillusionment, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and alienation.

As part of the family structure children experience similar feelings of insecurity and disillusionment.

In helping couples to successfully negotiate the ending of their marital relationship, it is vital for the divorce professionals to understand the underlying dynamics of the family as a system, especially the traumatic experience it has on the children.

Ahrons & Rodgers point out: “The family going through a divorce does not break up but rather is restructured and reorganized. While marriages may be discontinued, families especially those in which there are children…continue after marital disruption. They do so with the focus on the two ex-spouse parents now located in separate households” This arrangement is difficult for children to adapt to.

The presumption is that dysfunctional marital relationships cause dysfunctional behavior patterns in children. There is not a direct linear causality, but there is unmistakably a circular nature of causality in family interactions. The actions of the parents may influence the behavior of the children in the family to such an extent that the child is being reported by the school or other significant others as being naughty, disobedient, ill-disciplined and or acting out behavior.

Although divorce is an experience of growth, change, and positive individual development for some, it is a psychological and emotional death for others. For most families (parents and the children) it is a time of tremendous stress, disruption, chaos, uncertainty and craziness.    

With the appropriate help from understanding and knowledgeable professionals, the process of divorce can be navigated successfully.

Although a couple separate, both parents will have full responsibilities and rights towards the minor children (Children’s Act, Act no 38 of 2005, section 18). The parental responsibilities and rights that a person have in respect of a child include:

• To care for the child;
• To maintain contact with the child;
• To act as guardian of the child; and
• To contribute to the maintenance of the child.

Why Mediate?

Divorce/Couple/Family mediation can provide a more courteous alternative to separation or divorcing parties to negotiate a settlement. In mediation, solutions are sought which consider the needs of all family members – mediation, as far as possible, aims for a win-win outcome, where both parties feel they have equally compromised on issues.

The parties negotiate for themselves and aim for outcomes which meet their own standards of fairness and which are in the best interest of their children. Mediation furthermore provides an experience for future resolution of conflict.

Mediation, according to John Haynes (A guide to divorce mediation 1989), is:

• It is non-adversarial – the parties are partners in decision-making.
• It is mutual –both parties must agree, or it does not work.
• It empowers – each spouse controls the decisions regarding his or her life.
• It is goal-directed – the focus is on the future lives of the parties and their children
• It is confidential – unless there is a legal duty on Mediators to disclose (e.g. where it is said or appears to be child abuse)
• It is voluntary.

Accredited mediators are specifically trained to do mediation and reach an agreement between the parents of minor children when the parents wish to separate. A parenting plan is then drawn-up once the parents have reached an agreement after mediation, to share the parenting of their children specifically on:

Guardianship;

Care and primary residency;

Contact; and

Maintenance.

The best interest of the child or children is paramount. The voice of the child must be heard (Professionals who are qualified to determine what a child’s views and wishes are in relation to the issue that affects their lives, will do the interviews or assessment of the child).  The Children’s Act, no 38 of 2005 as amended, brought a lot of changes to deal with issues affecting children, as well as the rights and responsibilities of parents.

Child Welfare Tshwane has well trained accredited mediators who do mediation on any conflict resolution matter regarding families and children.

Our vision at Child Welfare Tshwane is Safe children, safe families, and safe communities in Tshwane.  We understand that a separation or divorce has severe impacts on the family and the functioning of the family unit, but we always keep the children’s best interest in mind.  It is important for a child to still feel that he/she belongs and will be protected, even though the relationship of the parents have disintegrated.

For more information, contact Linda Nell or Winnie Moshupje on 0124609236. 

Reporting child abuse is your responsibility

It is the responsibility of every member of society to report child abuse or suspected child abuse. So, what is regarded as child abuse?

Child Abuse has many forms, as described in the Children’s Act, Act 38 of 2005:

• Abandonment: a child deserted by the parent, guardian or caregiver; or where a child has had no contact with the parent, caregiver or guardian for at least three months for no apparent reason;
• Abuse refers to the ill-treatment or any form of harm including assaulting with any form of deliberate injury; sexually abusing a child; bullying by another child; labour practices exploiting the child or any behaviour that expose or subject a child to behaviour that may cause physical or emotional harm;
• Neglect refers to failure in the exercise of parental responsibilities to provide for the child’s basic physical, intellectual, emotional or social needs; and
• Sexual abuse refers to sexual molesting or  assaulting a child or allowing this to happen; encouraging, inducing or forcing a child to be used for the sexual gratification of another person; using a child in or deliberately exposing a child to sexual activities or pornography, or procuring or allowing a child to be procured for commercial sexual exploitation in any way participating or assisting in the commercial sexual exploitation of a child.

Abuse in the form of sexual abuse is often not visible, and unless the child tells someone this will go unnoticed.  This includes enticing a child to participate in sexual activities but also peeping, flashing, fondling or exposing the child to pornographic material and other acts of a sexual nature.

In an article by ML Hendriks in the Medical Journal of South Africa, it is stated that the mandatory reporting of abuse of children was placed under the international spotlight with the sentencing in the United Kingdom of the alcoholic mother of Hamzah Khan (aged 4) who died in 2009 from starvation, but whose body was only discovered in 2011.

In South Africa, the father of 2-year-old Theopollus Groepies was sentenced to 25 years in prison for throwing his son against a wall and killing him.  According to the article, these are not isolated incidences.  The author states that violence against children is a universal and all too prevalent phenomenon.

According to the South African Children’s Act no 38 of 2005 (as amended), a child is defined as a person under the age of 18. 

Who to report to:

Suspected cases of abuse can be reported to the Department of Social Development, the South African Police Services or an approved child protection organisation like Child Welfare Tshwane.  You can call our Risk Assessment Centre in Sunnyside on 012-3439392 or send an email to ra@childwelfare.co.za

What information is required:

You may remain anonymous when reporting suspected child neglect or abuse, but we do need the full details of the child. This includes name, address, parents name(s) and name of the alleged perpetrator.  There is a form (Form 22) available at child protection organisations that can be completed. The residential address of the child is required as it helps to determine which Organisation will be the one to investigate. The City has been divided into demarcated areas which are serviced by various child protection organisations including Child Welfare Tshwane, CMR, SAVF and Rata.

What happens after a case has been reported:

A social worker (and sometimes the SA Police) will interview the child as soon as possible.  The family and the alleged abuser will also be interviewed, and a decision will be taken on the child’s safety. Should it be deemed unsafe for the child to remain in the current place the child may be temporarily removed and placed in a place of safety, pending a thorough investigation. However, a Court must issue a Court Order for the child to be taken to alternative safe care.  This can be a child and youth care centre, foster care or place of safety.  The child’s age will often depend on the choice of care.

Child Welfare Tshwane works within the boundaries of the City, from Mamelodi and Eersterust, to Atteridgeville and Olievenhoutbosch. 

Child abduction or rape – how can I support them?

In light of the recent uproar in the media of little Amy-Leigh’s abduction as well as the current ongoing trial of the alleged rape incident occurring at a Dros restaurant in Silverton, we as a child protection organisation would like to make a definite stand against these acts and express our dismay regarding these two horrible incidents and all the other incidents of this nature. These kind of unfortunate incidents give a clear indication that children are a vulnerable group that easily gets victimised and needs extra protection from those aiming to damage the lives of our young ones.

One of the first feelings that parents and families experience after their children went through some trauma, is guilt. Yes, it is natural to feel that way, but guilt brings about other negative feelings towards yourself such as worthlessness and feeling as though you failed your child. Our feelings always impact on how we act – in other words, negative feelings cause negative actions. Therefore, feelings of guilt might cause you to act in a negative way, without you even realising it. This is where self-forgiveness is really vital so that your thoughts and feelings about yourself can change which will bring about positive reactions. Never underestimate the sensitivity of your child and how they are able to sense your feelings of incompetence. This will then make them feel insecure and that nobody can take control over their situation and pick up the pieces on their behalf. Therefore, is you as a parent need to speak to a professional in order to rebuild yourself, do it.

After trauma, children either react out heavily or suppress their true feelings. Children are different and will react differently to their trauma. It is therefore important to be present – physically and emotionally. Provide even more nurturance than before. Children are able to process their trauma a lot better when having a strong support system. If you decide to take your child to see a therapist, do not expect the therapist to fix your child on their own, but rather commit to play “co-therapist” and work together with the therapist so that your child has support throughout. Introverted children tend to bottle up their feelings after trauma and we have seen how some children appear emotionally weak due to a lack of support at home.

Even though children go through tough times following trauma, practicing discipline towards them should never be avoided as it provides them with structure as it something they are in great need of after trauma. Children also thrive on predictability and it is therefore important to try to, after a traumatic event, to communicate effectively to them and inform them of any plans considering them. Give your child a voice to articulate their needs to you and assure them of your commitment to try to adhere to it. For those children experiencing nightmares, allow your child to tell the traumatic event over and over to you so that the memory could form part of their consciousness, which can decrease nightmares.

Even though I mentioned that you need to forgive yourself and move on after a traumatic event happening to your child, we acknowledge that you will do your best to survive this ordeal. We further acknowledge that you as a parent are also a victim when your child gets targeted and that you have not done anything wrong. Despite this, we have found that when parents apologise to their child for what has happened to them, it brings about healing for both. This does not mean that you admit doing something wrong, but that you apologise to your child for what has happened to them.

Sometimes it will be needed to engage in family therapy as siblings and other family members might also experience a great deal of fear and uncertainty regarding their future safety. This is an ideal opportunity to work out a safety plan as a family where you decide on the best possible ways to protect one another and yourself. Children need to see that they are not alone.

Lastly, even though your child and family you might struggle to deal with the trauma form whatever incident involving your child, it is important to try really hard to get back to your daily routines as quickly as possible so that you do not give the trauma the upper hand and allow it to control your life. This will also help your child and family to find your rhythm again. Survivor thoughts and feelings will lead to survivor actions.

If you need assistance with trauma relating to your child, contact us at 012 460 9236 so that we could provide your child and family with debriefing support.

Stay safe!

Written by Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor: Assessments and Therapy Unit)

Bramley Child & Youth Care Centre bids farewell to Helena Willers

On 30 August 2019, Helena Willers, will drive through the gates of Bramley Child & Youth Care Centre for the last time. After six years and two months at Bramley, she will retire and move to Tergniet on the Garden Route.

She decided to study social work as she always had an interest in people and the way in which they function.  “I always wanted to understand why people act the way they do or remain passive…..” says Helena.  “According to my dad I always had questions about people’s behaviour”.  She said her parents recommended teaching as a career, which in their opinion would have caused less emotional stress and she did consider this for a while – but her passion for people won!

Looking back, she remembers how many home visits were done in 1978, almost immediately when a report came in.  She worked in Eersterust at that time. “I remember wanting to do group work with a group of Grade 9 girls and how I battled to find a camping site for a multi-racial group,” she told us.  “We had interesting group sessions with foster care parents, wrote our reports by hand before handing it to the typists and we had to submit reports to Court 14 days prior to the hearing”, said Helena.  Today everything is done electronically, and the social workers type their own reports.

According to Helena, one of her biggest challenges was to appoint qualified and experienced child and youth care workers.  “The complexity of our children is also a challenge and needs a lot of thought and planning. With fewer children going out over weekends and during the school holidays, reunification with the community is also problematic,” said Helena.  Finding employment opportunities for children with special needs and assisting children with peer pressure really tested her skills as social worker during her time with Bramley.

“I am still amazed about the open hands and hearts of Management and the community, “says Helena.  It was such a blessing to receive donations and support which enabled Bramley to provide for the children. And then I enjoyed getting feedback about children that have successfully been reintegrated with the community and become active members of society”, she said.

Helena is really looking forward to the new environment and relaxing near the ocean. She plans to do some gardening (in pots) and do some improvements to her home. She wants to travel and spend time with friends and family.  Starting from 2020 she will be looking for some voluntary work. “I definitely will listen to more music and read more”, says Helena.

The best advice she ever received was to always give your best and be your best. And the best advice she can give anyone is to use humour, honesty, commitment and sincerity to get ahead in life.

Her hope for Bramley CYCC is to create the space for each child to work through their trauma and then adapt their lives, utilise the opportunities created for them and to excel in their school.  This will equip them better to face life in the community. 

Her personal motto is a quote by Mahatma Gandhi: “You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no results”.

Helena will be missed at Bramley and we wish her a happy retirement.  Caren Malherbe has been appointed as the new Manager: Bramley CYCC.