(adapted from an
article by Elisha Goldstein and Stefanie Goldstein, January 27, 2020)
Families have never been as disconnected as in
recent times. This can be attributed to
busy schedules, digital devices, and long commutes. South Africa has joined
the rest of the world in a state of lockdown and even if you need to
work from home, you will have time to work on your relationships, increase your
well-begin and bring the family back together!
We have all needed this “down
time” – our generation was sensing that it needed a strength of presences and
that is why more and more people are exploring ways to become grounded through
yoga, mindfulness, and diet. We are all
looking for ways to slow down and bring more connection into our family life.
Here are 7 things you can try to
do differently over the next weeks:
Embrace imperfection:
Accept the fact that you will never
be a perfect parent – you will still overreact, get triggered, say and do
things you wish you hadn’t. You are
going to make mistakes, you are going to hurt your child’s feelings and you are
not always going to be what you wanted to be for your child - So we simply have
to accept our imperfections as parents. However, if we practice loving,
radical self-compassion and self-acceptance we are shaping the minds of our
children and teaching them to do the same for themselves and others. There is no greater gift!
Listen with curiosity:
We are all so busy juggling the
balls in our lives that it is a rare experience to stop and truly listen to one
another. There are so many distractions
and we try to do so many things at once.
This causes us to lose our cool with our kids and to create distance and
misunderstandings with our partners. As we pause and listen to each
other more, we can engage the experiences in our family with a growth
mindset. We can see struggles and
triumphs as opportunities for learning and growth. Instead of judging each other, we get a better
understanding of where someone is coming from.
If we don’t understand, we can lean in and say “tell me more?”. Listening attentively and with curiosity
opens up more possibilities for fewer misunderstandings, more clarity, and
greater connection!
Communicate courageously:
We often avoid conversations with
each other because it makes us feel vulnerable.
Sometimes we leave somethings unspoken and unresolved, but this can be a
slow poison. It builds resentments,
distrust, harmful behaviour, and disconnection.
We should rather be clear and honest about what we think and feel. This way we create a safe space where
everyone is comfortable sharing how they feel and what they need. If you have something on your
mind, take a few moments and explore why you have been avoiding the topic. Then
approach the family member and state your feeling, your need, and how you would
like to handle similar situations in the future.
But also refer to paragraph 2 when engaging in conversation.
Practice appreciation and
gratitude:
Being a parent is one of the most thankless jobs around and it is not
uncommon to feel that you are being taken for granted. From endless diapers and feeding when they
are infants to the never-ending meals, laundry, and taxi driving as they get
older, a parent may feel lost and unloved. While words of affirmation may or
may not be your primary love language, we all want to be acknowledged and
appreciated. There is a surprisingly
simple way of doing this that can have huge benefits: be intentional when
practicing appreciation and expressing gratitude. Appreciate when the children help with the
dishes or compliment your partner for being ready on time. It may seem silly or
even annoying but this may just be the acknowledgment and encouragement someone
needed to change his or her habits.
Forgive ourselves and each
other:
Lily Tomlin once said:
“Forgiveness means letting go of any hope for a better past”. Every family goes through tough times. We all experience times when we don’t feel
listened to, appreciated, or seen and thee are times when people are cranky and
say things they don’t mean or wish they could take back! The simple phrase of “forgive, investigate
and invite” can be helpful in times like these.
If you have transgressed, forgive
yourself, understanding that you cannot change the past, remembering that you
aren’t perfect and realising that mistakes are often made out of ignorance and
confusion. Then investigate where you
went off track and what impact it made and how we would respond differently
next time. Then invite yourself to make the repair!
Practice support and
generosity:
One of the core values of
mindfulness is generosity. The spirit of
generosity means giving and sharing things of value that can be reflected in
money, time, love or possessions. Our children look at our behaviour to see how to behave in the world – therefore our
generosity not only has a positive impact in our immediate environment but also
has a ripple effect for generations to come. How do you show generosity? It can be by donating money to a cause you
support, bringing a meal to a sick person, or sharing a smile with someone who
needs it. Our children model our behaviour and therefore we should include them
in these acts as often as possible. You
can perhaps reward your children’s good behaviour with money into a kindness
jar, and then use that money to support a charitable organisation.
Don’t forget to play and have
fun!
We get so stuck in the
moment-to-moment grind and stressors that we actually forget to have fun! We easily forget each other and how to have
fun! Raising children is probably the
most important job you will ever get tasked with and the pressure of raising good
humans can be weighty. So much so that
we fall into a pattern of taking things too seriously and being overly focused
on tasks like chores, homework, activities, etc.) – we lose the enjoyment of
being together. With the exception of planned
trips, we often don’t intentionally plan fun in our day – but why not? We plan
everything else, so why not be more purposeful when planning out the week to
make sure to include experiences of play?
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