16 Days of Activism Campaign #COUNTMEIN

The national 16 days campaign, promoting activism for no violence against women and children, kicks off on 25 November.  It will once again place the safety of women and children under the spotlight until 10 December.

Violence takes many forms, including physical violence in the form of domestic violence and crimes like murder, robbery, rape, and assault.  It also includes emotional violence and trauma at many levels in the home, at work, at school and even on the street.  Other terrible forms of violence occur when poverty, starvation, unemployment, humiliation, and degradation thrive in communities.

The objectives of the campaign are to:

• Encourage all South Africans to be active participants in the campaign to prevent violence against women and children, hence the theme: #Countmein;
• Expand accountability beyond the Justice, Crime Prevention and Security (JCPS) cluster to include all government clusters and provinces;
• Combine technology, social media, the arts, journalism, religion, culture, and business to draw attention to the many ways violence on women and children affect the lives of people worldwide;
• Mobilise communities to promote a collective responsibility in the fight to eradicate violence against women and children;
• Encourage society to acknowledge that violence against women and children is not a government or criminal justice system problem, but a societal problem.  Failure to view it as such cause the campaign to fail.

The solution lies in all of us!  We all must take a stance in support of this campaign.  How can you show your support?

• By wearing a white ribbon as a symbol of your commitment to never commit or condone violence against women and children.
• Participate in the events organised all over the City of Tshwane.
• Volunteer in support of NGO’s and community groups who support abused women and children.  Many of these organisations, like Child Welfare Tshwane, needs assistance from the public – volunteer your time or make a contribution to the work of Child Welfare Tshwane.  Use your skills and knowledge to help the victims of abuse.
• Speak out against women and child abuse.  Encourage silent female victims to talk about abuse and ensure that they get help; report child abuse to the police; encourage children to report bullying to the school authorities; men and boys should also be encouraged to talk about abuse. 
• It is important to get help if you are emotionally, physically or sexually abusive to your partner or children. You can call the STOP GENDER-BASED VIOLENCE HELPLINE on 0800150150.
• Try to understand how your own attitude and actions might perpetuate sexism and violence. 

For more information or to get assistance, contact Child Welfare Tshwane on 0763485164 or ra@childwelfare.co.za

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

November 2019

Written by: Yolandi Singleton

Before looking into how to prevent from getting bullied, I think we should look at why children bully other children. When we know the reasons for it, we can easier consider how to deal with it.

Children who bullies other children aim to gain as much control over others as they can, most probably due to them getting bullied or abused somewhere. When they then bully others, they feel that they can regain the power they lost. They also practiced bullying behaviour due to jealousy – they are often jealous of children who appear content and as if they have everything. Your child might grow up in a loving and stable home who always the supports and nurtures the child next to the sport field or choir events. 

The child who bullies will see this as a lack in their own lives and unconsciously desire the life of your child. Some children bully others because they have been exposed to domestic violence or have been sexually abused and others will bully children as they have not been taught social skills by their caregivers and therefore do not know how to interact or express themselves appropriately towards others. Some children who bullies are dealing with the loss of a significant loved one and have never dealt with the trauma and then attempt to gain control over their lives by trying to control others.

Based on the reasons why some children bully others, the following pointers are suggested to prevent your child from getting bullied by others with such troubled circumstances:

• Work hard to boost your child’s self-esteem – many studies show that children with good self-esteem are less likely to get bullied
• Encourage your child to be friendly and open towards everybody, even towards the ones that are not so popular amongst others – children who bully others are less likely to pick targets who have many friends
• Build a good relationship with your child’s teacher or the head of department so that when your child gets bullied you are more assured that the teacher will act on it quickly
• Advise your child to not move away from the group or go to the bathroom or to excluded areas on their own – stay in the group
• When your child makes use of public transport advise them to sit as front as possible as children sitting alone at the back are often targeted
• If your child walks home after school, arrange that someone walks with them
• Do not give your child too much spending money for the tuck shop as the children who bullies easily targets children who look like they get everything
• Raise your child to be caring and to never appear or act judgemental towards others – racism or talking badly behind others backs are never a good idea – it should feel nice to be nice
• Teach your child to never encourage aggressive behaviour between peers
• Help your child to be able to regulate their emotions, especially when they become angry – children who bully others see “angry children” as a challenge

I really hope that these guidelines can help you to think differently about bullying and that your children can be assisted through your life experience as well. Remember, nobody is perfect, but prevention is always better than cure.

All the best. 

Yolandi

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Bullying – Part 3 - What do I do when my child gets bullied?

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

Bullying – Part 3 - What do I do when my child gets bullied?

November 2019

Written by: Yolandi Singleton

For any child who gets bullied, it is an extremely stressful time for them especially if they do not have the appropriate skills to act on it or the ability to get out of it. Many parents’ advice their children to hit back, rationalizing that they should defend themselves. Yes, some children who bullies might end up stopping to bully them, but others who bullies will be encouraged to fight back even harder which could really cause huge damage. Is it worth the risk?

Some parents have found it useful to consult with the school when the bullying took place there as some schools really have a zero tolerance for bullying behavior and usually act quite promptly to that. Other schools still struggle to manage the discipline of trying to keep such behavior out of their school premises. The fact of the matter is that children not only get bullied inside the school premises, but also outside which the school can simply not take responsibility for.

When you are confronted with one of your children getting bullied, the next steps are advised:

• When children get bullied it is vital that that they do not feel lonely as that is a feeling they usually experience.
• During that time, spend extra time with them and turn on the TLC. It could help them to have the guarantee that when they arrive home there will at least be sufficient support for them by their loved ones.
• It is okay if they cry about it and make sure to acknowledge their feelings. They probably experience feelings of powerlessness. Your prompt plan of action on how you will resolve the matter needs to be communicated to them so that they can at least feel more at ease that someone would try to make things better.
• Allow them to tell you what happened as many times as they need – children can find enormous relief when they see they are being listened to.
• Advise them to from now on never be alone again and to always have others around them as children who bullies often targets children who are isolated from the rest. If you must arrange alternative transport or whatever is needed to prevent re-occurrence.
• Take care of any possible medical needs.
• Report any bad injuries to SAPS so that the legal processes can take its course on the child who practices the bullying – a medical report could assist as an addendum to your statement.
• Work out a plan of action together with your child on how to prevent the child who bullies to reach your child again.
• Never underestimate the impact that bullying can have on your child – if your child’s behavior suddenly changes and gets worse, consider getting professional assistance
• Your encouragement as a parent/caregiver is vital during this process as and your care could mean the world to them – do not forget to keep on boosting your child’s self-esteem, because a child with a good self-esteem is much less likely to get bullied.

Stay safe.
Yolandi

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

The adoption story

By Nina de Caires, Supervisor: Adoption Unit, Child Welfare Tshwane

Adoption is a special process of building “forever families”; of giving a child permanency, security and belonging within a home and loving family. Although it is a life-changing and very special process, it also comes with many challenges which are encountered along the way and need to be dealt with and addressed.

Challenges

Young biological mothers are unaware of the services available and make uninformed decisions, such as trying to abort their unborn babies which can have a negative effect on their babies and cause disabilities. It is very difficult to find adoptive parents for babies/children with special needs, which is sad as they then often end up in care centres.

Babies get abandoned in terrible circumstances, with no reference or information about the parents or their origin. They are rejected at birth and have a negative start in life, which is supposed to be so special.  

The process of declaring a baby adoptable is complicated and can take long with so many people and different Departments involved, namely the SAPS, the hospital, social workers, the child protection organisation, the court, the temporary safe care parents, Department of Home Affairs, the printed media (to advertise), Department of Social Development, and Department of Justice. Adoptions must be finalised in areas where the adoptive parents live. So, clearly a lot of networking is required.

All adoptions have to be done according to the Children’s Act 38 of 2005, Chapter 15 (and Chapter 16 for international adoptions).  However,  the various departments and courts interpret the procedures differently, which often has an impact in the finalisation of adoptions. It can become a lengthy process due to all the documents, clearances and reports that are required, which is understandable as adoption is a permanent process. Adoption affects the lives of all the parties involved, namely the birth family, the child and the adoptive family (also called the adoption triangle)

Rewards

Being part of the adoption journey is special and rewarding in that we are instruments in God’s hands,  creating families and futures for babies and children in need. We turn stories of pain and loss into stories of hope and love. We are part of the miracle of creating forever families and giving children a future by creating families that every child has a right to so that they can develop to their full potential.

Babies who were abandoned are often found to be the skinning light, ray of hope and love that a parent, or parents, have been longing for. They are answers to prayers of childless couples or individuals and give them a purpose when they receive the little life. It is as if they were always somehow destined to love, cherish, guide and nurture this particular child.

Many birth mothers are supported and counselled to make informed decisions regarding the future of their babies Some in desperation and out of deep, undying love for their little one, decide to let go of their own wishes and needs, to put the needs of their baby first, giving them a chance to live a life that they may otherwise never have had.  The ideal place for a baby is with the biological parents or families of origin, however every case is unique and dealt with as such.

Often an unseen team of “angels” out there – concerned members of the public, police officers, nursing and hospital staff, temporary safe care parents, magistrates of the court – who each in their own way, play a role in saving the precious life of that baby created with a destiny beyond what anyone could ever know or imagine.

One of the most profound  life experiences is the joining together of an adoptable baby and his or her successfully screened adoptive parents who simply fit together, like a hand in a glove – physically, emotionally, personality-wise and yes, spiritually – a destiny that was somehow miraculously designed and destined to be. This is just proof that there is a special plan for every baby that comes into this world. Many babies even look like the adoptive parents!

It is an honour to be an adoption social worker and to be part of such life-changing processes in the lives of babies, therefore, passion, dedication, detail, and focus are important.  But also to serve with integrity and to act in the best interest of children with the focus of finding families for adoptable children and thereby giving them permanency and belonging.

Adoption is a very powerful, life-saving, life-changing, life-giving process. It is a very special and heartwarming process and even though there are many challenges and practicalities in finalising adoptions at times,  the end result is so worth it.

Through the feedback from adoptive families and adoptees received it is clear that we make a positive difference in the lives of children and families.

SOME ADOPTION STORIES & TESTIMONIES:

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I decided to adopt cause after much trying I discovered I couldn’t have kids naturally. I had fears like I’m a single working woman and the fact that black communities are still not really open to adoption. I discussed with my family who agreed and stood by me through the whole process.

The process is long and needs patience but it’s worth it because the day I saw my boy Thato I knew he was made especially for me. My child has brought so much joy in my life and it makes me feel happy to see that I could provide love, family and a warm comfortable home for him. I will forever be grateful for this process and I would encourage people that, if God has blessed you enough give a home to a needy child you will not regret it as children are a blessing.

I’m still intending to adopt my second child hopefully a little girl this time. Lol I have too much love to give. It’s worth it and I wish people especially us the black community would open our mind to adopting kids who need love and homes.

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Joy unspeakable... Blessed beyond all measures... To know, firsthand, and to have the purest form of love in our home & hearts. Our son, Whanco is everything we could have ever wished for, hoped for, waited for and prayed for. For 12 years we prayed and waited on this young man and he is our whole life and being. Our every breath, our every move, our every step involves around this amazing little boy. If we never had this chance, at being his daddy & mommy, we would have most definitely missed him heartbrokenly... What an immense emptiness there would have been in our hearts. He fills us with everything beautiful! We could never have imagined having this awesome sweetheart in our lives.

He is our sunshine and the love of our lives. We love him more than life itself... More than the deepest deep of the ocean... More than all the grains of sand on the earth... More than all the stars ever created. He is our pride and joy, our little source of “peace” descended down from heaven. No matter what, he brings vacation to our lives. We adore this young dude, God blessed us with. He is our richness!!! We are so privileged... He is the most handsome, most clever, sweetest little angel ever known. Our little Gentle-Giant. How can we ever say thank you to Nina and her team at Child Welfare Tshwane, for what they have imparted into our lives... We are speechless! No words could ever describe! We pray that the Lord will truly and utterly bless every hand and life that had a hand in our unique and absolutely wonderful story of how we became the daddy & mommy to the BEST and most wonderful treasure this world has ever seen. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! God bless you all!

JP & Chantal Esterhuizen

This is a testimony of how adoption has changed our lives in such a wonderful way. We feel immensely and abundantly blessed... We are still speechless. This was the best thing ever. We feel so spoiled (rotten) by the 6-year-old blessing in our house, that we will never be able to describe. ATTACHED is a LETTER of GRATITUDE towards Tshwane child welfare and Nina who made everything happen. Bless you! Bless Child Welfare Tshwane and all the staff for making such a huge and enormous difference. Thank you!!! 

Past. C.L Esterhuizen 

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The adoption of my son by my husband has meant so much to our family as it closes a very painful and traumatic chapter in our lives, sealed by the birth certificate recently finalised that carries our son’s new surname making him officially my husband’s son. The adoption has proven that we can achieve anything as a family if we stick through it together and persevere, no matter how scary it may seem and no matter how long the process may be.

With our son being Special Needs, the adoption was all the more important to us so that we do not have to live in fear of the biological father trying to create disruption in his life. Luca has only known Evert as his Father, as Evert has been there his whole life, whereas the biological father was not, so it was vitally important for us to have the adoption finalised so as not to create any confusion for Luca who would not understand another man trying to be his Dadda.

Ina Venter was there every step of the way and gave us all the information we needed to get the process finalized, thank you so very much for all you did for our family. 

The first question people tend to ask when they see that we have adopted is “was it hard decision to adopt?” And we can very honestly answer, “No, it wasn’t”. As a couple we have always wanted to adopt and when we started the process, we didn’t know what we were in for, there were some challenges but the outcome was totally worth it. And now even after 3 years, we would do it again. It is both emotionally and physically rewarding to watch that little person unfold and develop before you as they grow, flourish and become themselves. It has been a privilege to adopt. To wake every morning to hugs and kisses from a child that may not share your blood, but definitely holds your heart. To know that, that little child loves you, just as much as you love them. And biology could never change that. It is really a privilege to walk the road of adoption, knowing that the journey is going to be a great adventure for you, for your family and the little one you are raising.

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Written by: Yolandi Singleton

October 2019

It is always unpleasant to think about the possibility that your child might get bullied. It is an unfortunate reality that many kids are confronted with, especially having to face embarrassment when the bullying gets broadcasted on social media these days.

Children who get bullied often suffer severe emotional trauma especially when they feel lonely and perceiving that they can not tell anyone about it – therefore facing the issue on their own. A positive relationship with your child, including honest and open communication with them is therefore of cardinal importance so that they will be assured of your commitment and dedication towards them. I can not overemphasize the significance of your consistency in this regard.  Believe it or not, when your child really feels cared for and nurtured and perceives their parent to be entirely available to them at any time, they are much less likely to get bullied.

In the same breath, we can never predict children’s behavior. Your child might get bullied for various reasons, but it is mostly due to the person who bullies being jealous of the child who they bully or recognizing low self-esteem and therefore an easy target to control. In other words, children with good self-esteem are less likely to get bullied. Some children who bully other children are often bullied themselves or witness violent behavior in their homes or in the communities they are from and therefore normalize such behavior, especially if they are not guided by their families about socially appropriate behavior or effective conflict resolution.

Before I start listing some signs to look out for that indicates that a child might get bullied, it is important to bear in mind that some children never show any signs. Therefore, once again, it is important to ensure and commit to maintaining an open relationship with your child. If it means that you need to apologize to your child for often being unavailable to them in the past, do it. Do whatever you can to restore the communication so that your child will open up to you when they need you, such as when getting bullied.

The following signs are common indicators that a child possibly gets bullied or at risk to get bullied (remember that some of these signs could also indicate something else might be wrong):

• Having injuries, but refuse to talk about them or even lie about it
• Having dirty and torn clothes and also refuse to discuss it
• Having regular excuses not wanting to go to school – even fake illnesses
• Psychosomatic symptoms such as nausea, headaches or stomach aches
• Complain about not having friends and sitting alone during break time
• Express feeling afraid to walk alone around on the school grounds
• Showing unexplained aggressive behavior towards family members or other children smaller than them
• Sudden change in mood and behavior – showing more emotional vulnerability
• Isolating themselves on a regular basis
• Withdrawing from activities they used to like
• Often feeling tired – which could mean that the child struggles to sleep or get nightmares
• Express suicide thoughts, especially if some of the abovementioned signs are also present (remember that bullying alone will not cause children wanting to commit suicide, but rather in conjunction with other social or emotional challenges. Children who are from difficult home circumstances, including parental fights, domestic violence, dealing with a significant loss, lack of parental support, feeling lonely or being abused or neglected and then also getting bullied are much more likely to develop feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Allow me to encourage you that when your child gets bullied, there are people willing to assist and support you and your child. Therefore, monitor your child and rather report any concerns to a professional until you feel you received the applicable help.

In my next article, I will cover some steps you can take when being confronted with a child getting bullied…

Be aware… until next time. 

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Bullying – Part 3 - What do I do when my child gets bullied?

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Author: Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor: Assessments and Therapy Unit)

It is safe to say that most parents are sick and tired of being confronted with the reality of bullying at schools and in communities. The thing is, many parents get bullied at work as well and it would then make it hard to really think rationally about it when their own children are involved – whether their children are the one who bullies or gets bullied.

Many conversations, discussions, and meetings have been held globally to discuss bullying as a social phenomenon and it barely looks like much has changed if we look at what gets broadcast on social media on such a regular basis, including videos where children get badly assaulted or even killed by fellow learners. In America, it has somehow gone so far that learners get shot at schools, leaving the whole country to scratch their heads, trying to strategize what they will do and how to prevent this from happening.  In our country, it is not that different. There is however not a quick fix for this issue.

What always strikes my attention when we conduct specialised socio-emotional assessments on children from various age groups and come across information where the child discloses being bullied or being the one who bullies other children, is that most of the time both parties have quite a sad background, including some past trauma like loss, domestic violence, regular verbal arguments between parents that frightens the child that they will end of getting divorced and then when parents actually get divorced, amongst other things as well. 

In my articles to come, the reasons for children practicing bullying behaviour, signs to look out for that could indicate that your child might get bullied, what you can do if you find out your child gets bullied and how to try to prevent this, will be discussed.

In a nutshell, bullying can be described as a repetitive and deliberate act to harm another with the unconscious attempt to gain control and dominate.

Types of bullying:

Direct:

Physical – aggressive act towards another such as punching, kicking, slapping, pinching, throwing an object towards another etc.

Emotional – to humiliate another, exclusion, intimidation and threatening

Verbal – swearing and using degrading or discriminating words towards another

Cyber – making use of social media to verbally and/ or emotionally attack or humiliate someone – the attempt here is to degrade someone in a large crowd or to scare and degrade someone specific through direct individual text messages or to threaten someone to expose inappropriate or sexually explicit photos of them

Indirect:

To incite people against someone specific with the intention to cause the other person to feel isolated or to spread gossip with the intention to turn others against someone.

It is important to never underestimate the impact of bullying on a child and to be attentive to the possible signs that could indicate a red flag that a child gets bullied. I will therefore cover all the signs of bullying in my next article.

Bullying – Part 1 – What is it exactly?

Bullying – Part 2 – Warning signs that your child might get bullied

Bullying – Part 3 - What do I do when my child gets bullied?

Bullying – Part 4 - How to prevent your child from getting bullied

Leaving the circle of care – what now?

Children in the community, who are at risk in terms of neglect, abuse, and orphaned as a result of death of the primary caregiver to name only a few matters, are placed in places of alternative safe care.  These places include foster care families and child and youth care centres (CYCC).  At Child Welfare Tshwane we have one CYCC namely Bramley CYCC, in Groenkloof, Pretoria.  We house 49 children in this CYCC but have a few hundred children under the care of Child Welfare Tshwane who were placed in foster care families as well.

During the time the children are in the care of Child Welfare Tshwane we take care of their needs in terms of schooling, health and recreational needs.  We ensure that they have clothes that fit, get balanced meals and remain in good physical and emotional health.  We provide accommodation and assistance to solve most of the questions and challenges they face.

And then, once a child finishes with school, they are no longer regarded as in need of care and have to leave the care facility. The question then often arises:  What now? Child Welfare Tshwane embarked on a programme called WINGS in 2016, aimed at preparing these youths for the day they have to take responsibility for themselves.

With the kind financial support of the Beeld Kinderfonds we are able to see that they understand basic budgeting, have a bank account, have identity documents and at least a learner’s licence.  We help them to attend leadership camps and do career path development assessments with them.  We teach them about rental agreements for accommodation (and what to be aware of), how to cook basic meals and even to put in seams and sew on buttons! 

We start preparing them at the age of 12 already, so that by that they time leave our care they are hopefully in a good position to cope with life outside the care facility. We see that the reality is often a shock:  no one to make the doctor’s appointment or to wash my clothes!  And through WINGS we try to help them make the transition with ease.

Our programme is mostly run by volunteers who take the boys and girls in group sessions and work through aspects of interest and concern to the children.  There is a set curriculum, but without making it too formal we work with the children in weekly sessions.  We also get big names like Hector the motivator, Elmarie Pretorius, Silindile Makhatini, Anja van Beek and others involved with the children during this process.

Every year Child Welfare Tshwane joins the Beeld campaign to sell tickets for the competition run by the Kinderfonds.  This is also our way to contribute to a fund we find so much value in and with the help of every one buying a ticket we can help another child on the road to independent living. It is amazing how your R50 contribution can have a permanent impact on the life of a young adult.

To learn more about WINGS or to support the campaign by buying a Beeld tickets, please contact Marketing at hanlie@childwelfare.co.za or franca@childwelfare.co.za.  The competition closes on 30 October and funds raised will be used in 2020.