The necessity of security and stability
in family life
Written by:
Yolandi Singleton (Supervisor – Assessments and Therapy Unit)
June 2017
Every house or building has a foundation.
The foundation anchors the home to the ground and carries the weight of the
home. If the foundation is not solid, the home is at risk. Therefore it is
essential to ensure that the foundation, which is the starting point of the
house, is trustworthy so that the house can be stable. I would like to link the
foundation and home scenario with that of family life.
Yes, we are all very different from one
another and yes, we all have different qualities and needs that makes us unique.
What I definitely know is that everyone has three things in common and that is
that we all have thoughts, feelings and choices. Except for choosing our
families. They are in our lives for a reason. To shape us and sometimes
confront us with things we never even thought of.
Some people are fortunate to have loving
and supporting family members even though that family will also go through
trials and tribulations. They are able to stand up, support each other and move
forward. Unfortunately there are also people whose families regularly lets them
down, causing those people to never experience a sense of belonging. In other
words, not having a solid foundation to take on the challenging life out there.
When we conduct assessments with the
children it is really noticeable that children project a strong need for
healthy and positive family functioning. During the assessments we show them
pictures that revolves around family happenings and provide them with the
opportunity to respond and share their stories, as it happens in their lives.
Children can only share what they have been exposed to. We are sometimes saddened
to see children not having an idea what to say about their families as there is
no proper interaction. Or they share information that indicates a lack of care
and support within the families they grow up. These children suffer the emotionally
and struggle to find their place in their family and in the world. They do not
know who they can trust and where they belong due to the animosity between
their family members. Their houses collapse, figuratively speaking due to an
unstable foundation. This causes children to struggle to concentrate at school,
some even practice inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour. This happens on an
unconscious level and they are actually communicating to the world that they
are not okay.
Mia Kellmer Pringle (2006) talks about
the emotional needs of children in her books. One of the emotional needs she
points out is the need for children to experience security. She explains it by
mentioning that children experience security when their parents are happily
married or in a loving and stable relationship. It gives them a sense of
normality and builds their foundation to have a positive outlook on life. It
build positive perceptions on intimate relationships as well as relationships
with other people.
Unfortunately as we all know, some
marriages and relationships do not work out. The best thing to be done then is
to put a plan together (through a mediation process and parenting agreement –
as now offered by Child Welfare Tshwane) that suits all parties and creates
minimum disruption for the children. We have to face that when parents’
relationships don’t work out, the ideal dream for their children has come to an
end. Therefore it is important to put effort in to make the process as less
traumatising for the children.
The role of the father in a house is to
bring strength and provide direction to the family and lead by example. Their
presence is much more important than we realise. Children need them. They have
to teach their boy children to take charge and respect other people and show
their daughters how they deserve to be treated by men or any individual they
come across.
In this time with Father’s day at the
front of our door step, we honour the fathers that support and act as the
pillar of their families. We thank them for leading the way and show their
families how much they care.
We also think about those families who
mourn the loss of a beloved. We witness the impact it has on children when we
do bereavement therapy groups with them. Let us remember that families can make
or break us. If we can encourage one another to play a positive role in their
families where the members of the family can feel safe and experience
stability, I am sure that the foundation of that “house” (family) is strong
enough to take on the world and its challenges out there.
Hope all fathers had a happy Father’s Day!!
